President Bush's Resignation Speech

On May 20, I received the following:

We all have our disagreements with President Bush. Immigration, U.S. Attorney firings, Iraq, and Darfur are all hot topics these days. The following "speech" was recently written as a joke. While satirical in nature, all satire must have a basis in fact to be effective. An excellent piece by a person who does not write for a living:

The speech George W. Bush SHOULD give:

Normally, I start these things out by saying "My Fellow Americans." Not doing it this time. If the polls are any indication, I don't know who more than half of you are anymore. I do know something terrible has happened, and that you're really not fellow Americans any longer.

I'll cut right to the chase here: I quit. Now before anyone gets all lathered up about me quitting to avoid impeachment, or to avoid prosecution or something, let me assure you: there's been no breaking of laws or impeachable offenses in this office.

The reason I'm quitting is simple. I'm fed up with you people. I'm fed up because you have no understanding of what's really going on in the world. Or of what's going on in this once-great nation of ours. And the majority of you are too damned lazy to do your homework and figure it out.

Let's start local. You've been sold a bill of goods by politicians and the news media. Polls show that the majority of you think the economy is in the tank. And that's despite record numbers of homeowners, including record numbers of MINORITY homeowners. And while we're mentioning minorities, I'll point out that minority business ownership is at an all-time high. Our unemployment rate is as low as it ever was during the Clinton Administration. I've mentioned all those things before, but it doesn't seem to have sunk in.

Despite the shock to our economy of 9/11, the stock market has rebounded to record levels and more Americans than ever are participating in these markets. Meanwhile, all you can do is whine about gas prices, and most of you are too damn stupid to realize that gas prices are high because there's increased demand in other parts of the world and because a small handful of noisy idiots are more worried about polar bears and beachfront property than your economic security.

We face real threats in the world. Don't give me this "blood for oil" thing. If I was trading blood for oil, I would've already seized Iraq's oil fields and let the rest of the country go to hell. And don't give me this "Bush Lied - People Died" crap either. If I was the liar you morons take me for, I could've easily had chemical weapons planted in Iraq so they could be "discovered." Instead, I owned up to the fact that the intelligence was faulty. Let me remind you that the rest of the world thought Saddam had the goods, same as me. Let me also remind you that regime change in Iraq was official US policy before I came into office. Some guy named "Clinton" established that policy. Bet you didn't know that, did you?

You clowns need to understand that we face a unique enemy. Back during the cold war, there were two major competing political and economic models squaring off. We won that war; but we did so because, fundamentally, the Communists wanted to survive, just as we do. We were simply able to outspend and out-tech them.

That's not the case this time. The soldiers of our new enemy don't care if they survive. In fact, they want to die. That'd be fine, as long as they weren't also committed to taking as many of you with them as they can. But they are. They want to kill you. And the bastards are all over the globe.

You should be grateful that they haven't gotten any more of us here in the United States since September 11. But you're not. That's because you've got no idea how hard a small number of intelligence, military, law enforcement and homeland security people have worked to make sure of that. When this whole mess started, I warned you that this would be a long and difficult fight. I'm disappointed by how many of you people think a long and difficult fight amounts to a single season of "Survivor."

Instead, you've grown impatient. You're incapable of seeing things through the long lens of history, the way our enemies do. You think that wars should last a few months, a couple of years, tops.

Making matters worse, you actively support those who help the enemy. Every time you buy the New York Times, every time you send a donation to a liberal, cut-and-run Democrat's political campaign, well, dammit, you might just as well FedEx a grenade launcher to a Jihadist. It amounts to the same thing.

In this day and age, it's easy enough to find the truth. It's all over the Internet. It just isn't on the pages of the New York Times or on NBC News. But even if it were, I doubt you'd be any smarter. Most of you would rather watch American Idol.

I could say more about your expectations that the government will always be there to bail you out, even if you're too dumb to leave a city that's below sea level and has a major hurricane approaching. I could say more about your insane belief that government, not your own wallet, is where the money comes from. But I've come to the conclusion that were I to do so, it would sail right over your heads.

So I quit. I'm going back to Crawford. I've got an energy-efficient house down there (Al Gore can only dream) and the capability to be fully self-sufficient. No one ever heard of Crawford before I got elected, and as soon as I'm done here pretty much no one will ever hear of it again. Maybe I'll be lucky enough to die of old age before the last pillars of America fall.

Oh, and by the way, Cheney's quitting too. That means Pelosi’s your new President. You asked for it. Watch what she does carefully; because I still have a glimmer of hope that there're just enough of you remaining who are smart enough to turn this thing around in 2008.

So that's it. May God bless what's left of America. Some of you know what I mean.

*** End of Text ***

Well, I totally support free speech, even if it wasn’t in the Amendments to the U.S. Constitution. So these are my thoughts. The recommended resignation statements are in quotes and italicized. My thoughts directly follow in bold type.

"you're really not fellow Americans any longer."

You mean that I'm not an American anymore if I don't agree with you?

"I'm fed up with you people."

The feeling's mutual for a lot of people. Get over it.

"you have no understanding of what's really going on in the world."

Just because I don't agree with you doesn't mean I don't "understand."

"the majority of you are too damned lazy to do your homework and figure it out."

That may be true, but name-calling probably won't change it.

"most of you are too damn stupid to realize that gas prices are high because there's increased demand in other parts of the world"

Prices are high because they charge whatever the market will bear.

"the rest of the world thought Saddam had the goods"

That's because that's what they were being told. The British "assessment" of Iraq was based on plagiarized material. Check it out.

"You clowns"

Thanks for being so flattering.

"need to understand"

No, I don't NEED to understand anything. I can make up my own mind.

"Every time you buy the New York Times, every time you send a donation to a liberal, cut-and-run Democrat's political campaign, well, dammit, you might just as well FedEx a grenade launcher to a Jihadist."

Now, that statement's just plain stupid.

"if you're too dumb to leave a city that's below sea level"

I think I know to whom you are referring. And they probably don't thank you for calling all of them "dumb." They probably just cashed in on the politicians' past efforts of bailing out people.

"your insane belief that government, not your own wallet, is where the money comes from."

This is true in a general sense. Actually the "money" comes from government printing presses and credit creation. The "tradeable value" comes from working people.

Now rather than call people names, let's get busy and solve our perceived problems ... together.